FOUR WORDS
Days. Weeks. Months. Years. After all this time, the pain I feel from how things ended between us still sends shivers down my spine. I do not know if this is a pain of hurt or a rush of anger. I gave everything I had to make things work. I did it all. I was loyal, caring, loving and whatnot. I always made out time to be with her. There was not so much time to spare lest I say. Where did I go wrong?
Winter, spring, summer and autumn. I remember the incident like I relive the moment every single day. The summer of 2016, when she dropped the bomb that put a hole in my heart and shattered my life. I termed it bomb because that was what it was. No signs, signals and warnings. Nothing. We had not even fought. We just came back from a party when she told me that we just partied our last and that was goodbye. I knew that she meant it and I froze. My fairytale was coming to an end. It was not happily ever after this time. Where could I have gone wrong?
Anxiety. Depression. Disinterestedness. Loss of appetite. Four things I never dreamt of experiencing and I was drenched with them. I did not have anyone to talk to and, I was losing myself. My light was becoming dim. Losing all your happiness to just one situation was not logical to me till I walked this path. I now understood why people did insane things when they felt this way. I knew what my situation was. I knew that it was not good for my health, but I could not save myself. I was just there, dying slowly, pondering about the same thing, “where did I go wrong?”
Labyrinth. Adele. Chike. Asa. These Four artistes made music I could connect with. All that was pleasing to my ears was the reminder that I lost my lover to another and I was jealous of the fact that she looked happier without me. I wondered why and how she fell out of love with me and I hoped that I could get a chance to talk to her again, to try to make things right, even if it meant me saying hello from the other side. Bibanke being my alarm tone and ringtone made me wake up every morning, remembering to be sad and not to forget that I had just broken up. But then, every breakup song had a story underneath. One could understand the whole scenario painted by the artiste in these songs but, I somehow could not understand mine. This left me wondering, where did I go wrong?
Peace. Love. Laughter. Happiness. Four things that money cannot buy. Four things I desperately needed in my life. Bad things happen to good people. However, it is not enough reason for a person to turn bad. Like the phoenix rises from the ashes, I want to rise from this ash. I want to do away with this wave of darkness all over me. I want to smile like I used to, laugh like I used to and glow like I used to. Falling only meant that a rising was imminent. When you dive into a pool, you go down before you come back up and stay afloat. Although still quite young, I had already fallen deep into a pool of heartbreak. Down there was not nice at all. I had stayed there long enough. Now, its time to rise afloat and move on. It is indeed, the time to LET IT GO.
Grief. Anger. Hatred. Pain. Four things that I have to do away with from now on. I have four things I want to do away with and four other things that I want badly. to get what I want; I have to lose what I have. It is not a particularly painful sacrifice, but then, a difficult one. To have lived for so long with this darkness, this bitterness I brought to other innocent partners. The sadness that radiated from my being, my lack of interest and my now skinny physique. It seems like my old self was lost to the confusion over the years and the very entity I desperately want out of my life, is the person I have become, it is me, I am it, we are one. Crying over spilt milk would not bring the milk back. Yes, I had lost myself in the past but that did not automatically translate to me being this bitter being for the rest of my life. I just needed an opportunity to start all over, to create a new personality, the true reflection of myself in the future, the past and the present combined to create one balanced mix of awoken humanity. To attain this, I have to master an art. The art of learning to let go.
Learning. To. Let. Go. Four words that will guide my actions through this journey to self-reinvention. I am learning to let go of the pain that I had buried deep. I am learning to forgive quickly. I am learning to let go of the anger. I am learning to laugh more often. Most of all, I am learning to let go of things that would hinder my inner happiness. I know that the journey ahead of me is still a long one and that I would need to put in the work. With this, I would hold on to these words and let them guide me. Memories do not leave as people do, but like vices, until we use them in the wrong way, then they are harmless. On this day, I am no longer bothered about what went wrong with us back then. But rather, I am learning to let go of the pain from this experience but not forgetting to pick the lessons from it. Love is the essence of life, but there is more to life than a broken heart. My star will shine. Very soon.
